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Review

Seriously: How many pseudo-horror porn movies have you seen where even the "coming attractions" are worth watching? But that's only the beginning of what this send-up of the 2007 Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez mainstreamer delivers. Presented are two ’60s style "grindhouse" movies, "Student Assassins" and "Massacre at Pine Lake," the first from David Lord, the second from Andre Madness, both shot partly in slightly unsharp but super-saturated pseudo-Agfacolor to make the verisimilitude complete.

As the "B-feature," "Student Assassins," opens, Teagan Presley and Nina Mercedez are pleasuring each other in the shower, kissing and rubbing and fingering each other until Nina screws a dildo into Teagan's pussy on the shower room floor ... and shortly, Teagan returns the favor.

Turns out Nina's a cop, and after dope dealer Derrick Pierce gets done porking girlfriend Britney Amber, she and partner Eric Masterson move in for the bust—until Derrick's henchman gets the drop on them. Then cut to Teagan's school, where teacher India Summer's pussy is getting a tongue washing from Seth Gamble; she returns the oral favor, then squats on his cock, bends for doggie and spreads for mish on her desk.

When a campus cop tells Teagan that her partner's been kidnapped, it's time for Teagan to haul out all the guns she's got stashed under her dorm bed and ride to the rescue! After slashing, strangling and committing other assorted mayhem on the baddies, Teagan finally confronts Derrick, who, she promises, she'll "kill, save my girl and still make it home in time to do my homework." Turns out Teagan's a contract killer, and the pair splits just as the end credits roll.

"Massacre at Pine Lake" is the main movie in this package, and it stars Alexis Ford as the cutie camp owner who orders her counselors to make everything pretty for when the campers arrive the next day.

But first, we see the local sheriff's deputies loading a long-haired, beefy, degenerate-looking criminal (Lee Stone) into the back of their squad car. Wonder what part he'll play in the impending mayhem?!

Like montages? Madness delivers a nice catalog of counselors fixing up equipment, feeding the horsies and watering the plants ... but a deliciously trashy-looking Andy San Dimas doesn't want to clean up the horseshit, so she enlists Ralph Long to do it for her—in exchange for a literal roll in the hay. She blows him and licks his balls, then lets him fuck her in three positions on a hay bale.

Of course, Stone has escaped custody and killed a few people along the way, driving up to the camp just as night falls and the counselors are relaxing after a hard day's work. This includes Briana Blair and Rocco Reed making it on the couch. She loves his mouth on her pussy, and in moments, she's got his trouser snake in her mouth. Soon Briana climbs aboard for some slow 'n' sensual cowgirl, then spreads for mish and rolls over for doggie before he coats her tits with cum.

It's a given in these movies that those who have sex are bound to die, and Stone quickly hacks up Ralph, strangles Rocco and scares off D. Snoop before he can bunga-bunga with Andy ... who also meets her maker when searching for him in the stables with Briana.

But Alexis is oblivious to all that as she climbs in bed with Mr. Pete, and in short order, she's blowing him, riding his peg, spooning and cumming during a hot mish mash. A final doggie pounding and she's ready to take his splooge in her mouth.

Mr. Pete heads for the bathroom and never comes back, so Alexis does a little exploring, discovers all the dead teens and finally confronts Lee, leading to a desparate race to safety, with all the slasher movie clichés on full display. We won't reveal the ending, but it's a satisfying one.

Most of the sex is clearly in AAAA territory, but it's the production values that send this over the top. So why not sit back and have a real Grindhouse evening?

 -- Mark Kernes - AVN